Monday, February 1, 2010

Why Vagina Owners Need Romance Books

You know, the other day I was thinking that my poor old, tired, sucky, smelly, faded, dirty, stretched vagina needs a pick me up. I mean, it's all the rage now, isn't it? Completely changing your vagina to fit some advertiser's or someone else's ideal of it. And my own now, of course, cause they are right. Right?

And having been told over and over by advertisers who want to cash in on my feminine insecurities and the nasty age old fish jokes, I do realize that my vagina is some freak of nature that needs major fixing. And if I don't do it, then gosh, how will I ever get a man and keep him interested in my vagina? And how can I ever look at myself in the mirror? I'm the owner of something just above a garbage dump in ick factors. Oh the horrors!

Won't someone please help the poor vaginas? This is a link to an article called

The 6 Weirdest Things Women Do to Their Vaginas

Well, some women and men have stepped up to the plate and given poor vaginas a break. And for all you vagina owners, it's a lot cheaper than all those chemicals and costly operations. What is it? Why it's the erotic romance book.

Yes, in romance, vaginas don't smell like fish or of something half dead dragged out of the garbage, nope, they smell like misty seas and citrus and floral gardens. Not only that, they stretch enough to fit the super sized largest cock out there while being tight as a drum and sucking up the tiniest of fingers. They are wondrous caverns flowing with sweetest tasting nectar that lovers cannot lick and get enough of. Nor is it possible for lovers to stay away; they come from far and wide and do crazy things to willingly and at every moment suckle and partake of the wonders of the beautiful, warm vagina.

Vagina owners, skip all that crap and major cost of what advertisers are telling you and listen to the call of the erotic romance and nature. For mere dollars you can read what you really want to hear and know that your vagina is not some icky orifice, but a wondrous ocean of magic that is adored for it's natural ability to give and receive the most pleasurable of pleasures.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Trying this comment again:

Wonderful post! I guess some people do feel the need to fix an unattractive labia. For around $30, you can be a virgin again for one night. WTF? Who comes up with this stuff? Did you know that lysol was once used for feminine hygiene? Ouch!

LVLM said...

Heh, Eyre, I got that link from you on twitter and thought it'd be a good post.

I never used that crap in the 70's not believing that my vajajay stunk. Am glad I didn't!

I can't believe women are doing this stuff. Believe me, men don't care at all. They just want to have sex.

Anonymous said...

It really was a great post. Why are women so insecure about these things? You're right that men don't really care. They're just happy if they are allowed anywhere the vajayjay. Also, men don't go around trying to figure out how to improve the aroma of their sweaty balls. I guess women are supposed to enjoy their manly smells. Since women can opt to have plastic surgeons "fix up" their unattractive labia, I wonder if men have the same options for balls that are too droopy or not droopy enough. Hell, they don't even care as long as they've got them. I'm feeling a male genitalia/plastic surgery expedition coming on!

Anonymous said...

BTW, that was supposed to read "male genitalia/plastic surgery Google expedition coming on."

LVLM said...

Eyre-- well men do obsess about their size and when they get older, being able to get it up.

But for the most part, I think they don't think about their musky balls, which can really get obnoxious smelling at times. Nor do they obsess about all those things that women do cosmetically.

I remember listening to a sex doctor on the radio one night and he said that so many women had written about stretch marks, both on the stomach and breast. They thought it was gross and ugly and felt that men would be turned off by it.

He told them that men could care less about that. They just want to get at the breast and have fun.

I can walk in the mall at any one point and see all kinds of men with all kinds of women. Large women, flabby women, ugly women, beautiful women, skinny women, doesn't matter. Men are just way more simple about that kind of stuff.

It seems to be women who get uptight about it.

I think the only reason you should have your labia fixed or whatever, is if you want to do porn and there's close ups of your crotch in full bright lights. Even then, again, men don't care.

I guess I was lucky in that I traveled overseas when I was 18 and lived many years in Europe where I could walk around with hairy legs and armpits and was told by my German boyfriend not to shave. Everything au natural. So I had a healthy view of my body.

M. A. said...

Did you know that lysol was once used for feminine hygiene? Ouch!

Not just feminine hygiene. Men used it, too. It was a standard commodity in brothels and part of the "service."

To my understanding, though, it was a liquid solution, not quite the same form as present commercial use.

Interesting post, LVLM.

Cathy in AK said...

So I guess my use of soap and water, keeping things "neat" and turning the lights off isn't the way to go?

He told them that men could care less about [stretch marks]. They just want to get at the breast and have fun.

That makes two of us ; )

LVLM said...

I'm with you. A good shower, good hygiene, and no lights. Take it or leave it. :D

I'm reading a book now that I will review in which one of the women has this rare thing that women have. Won't give spoilers, but it's the first time for me to read something like that, in which a character is not perfectly made, and accepted.

Jill Sorenson said...

Love the artwork! Nice post. I'm so bored with the waxed, airbrushed, spray-tanned, surgically enhanced, fake female "ideal" perpetuated by various types of media. If you like that look, great, rock it, but I'm a bigger fan of natural beauty. :)

LVLM said...

Jill, what upsets me about all this fixation about fixing the vajajay is that these things start becoming the expected by both men and woman who are looking for a partner.

It was so nice to live in Europe and not have to deal with shaving or doing anything but taking a shower for general grooming.

Nowadays, you have to do all that stuff. And already American's are so sanitized that we cover up all our natural aroma's constantly as well as shaving off all body hair except for the head.

I prefer natural myself.

But men aren't escaping the issue either. I know in Japan, manscaping has been popular for years, where as it's only becoming something popular in America in the last few years.